Tuesday, July 7, 2009


This is not a cry for help or an invitation to a pity party, it's just a peek into another aspect of my life. No cause for alarm, it's par for the course. I might delete this particular session once I have it written; we'll just have to see how it goes...That said, lately I have been mourning my attractiveness.

Yesterday I was unpacking yet another box and I found the huge stack of cards and letters that were sent to me when Matt died. I flipped through a few and found one in particular that hit me all over again. It was a short note from a girl Matt and I went to church with when we were dating and engaged. She wrote:

"I got word of your loss some weeks ago...and have thought of you often since. I remember a time when I taught you and Matt was waiting for you. I was going to rush through the lesson so he wouldn't have to wait long, but you said something that caused me to melt inside. You said, 'Don't worry, he would wait forever if he had to.' You didn't even bat an eye when you said those words-I thought for a moment, 'What would it be like to feel such love.' "

I started thinking about this even before I found that note. As a woman, there is an enormous amount of power that comes from knowing someone loves you that much. I think about the affect women have on men. I believe the old adage that behind every good man is a good woman. That doesn't mean women are 2nd rate citizens, it just means that for the most part, every successful, driven, happy man has a good woman loving him and supporting him and cheering him on. Guys, I'm sure you would agree that there is nothing in the world like the love of an awesome woman.

Matt died 10 months ago today. I am reminded constantly that there isn't a soul on the planet who feels that way about me anymore and I really, really miss it. It's like I've lost my super powers. No one is excited to come home from work at night because I'm there. No one's eyes light up because I call them just to say I'm thinking about what an incredible person they are. No one feels a little less stressed during their busy day because they know I'm at home, holding down the fort, believing they can do anything they put their mind to.

Well, maybe Hunter does. The other day he did something pretty cool and I said "Dude! You're a rockstar!"

"I am a rockstar!" he confidently exclaimed.


katie said...

Oh, Sweet Brenda.....

I don't think I have any words to make you feel better....But please know you are loved. There are those of us who are excited you are here and alive...Those 3 little boys are excited you are there...I know that isn't the same but try to remember Heavenly Father knows your needs and wants. He will always be there for you. Lean on Him. I am grateful that you know Matt will wait for you, Forever.

I love you.

Staci Kramer said...

Get it all out, girl! I hope it is cathartic to express such deep emotions. You are articulate and in-touch with your feelings. I feel like writing this stuff down can help you deal with it. I wish I could make everything better but I can't. All I can say is that all of the things that made you an awesome wife before will make you an awesome wife again when the time is right. You, my friend, are the rockstar.

Brooke said...

Brenda, we all love you! Every time I read your posts, I am reminded at what an amazing, strong person you are. You write amazing, heartfelt, humorous posts that we all love. I know we have never been very close, but know that I think of you often. How true that statement about Matt waiting for you is.

Orr Family said...

I have been teaching Military women how to get through a year without their husband, and I could not even imagine much longer. One of the things I teach them is to spoil themselves, make yourself feel good. You need to because when your husband is gone no one is there to say your beautiful, thanks for the dinner, thanks for doing my laundry. Us women need to feel beautiful, feel appreciated, and most of all feel loved. Try each week to do something just for yourself! I know you know this, but I am sure Matt is watching with AWE and falling even more in love by how amazing of a mother you are,and how strong you always have been. Matt will wait a lifetime for you!!

Love and Miss you!!

Do you mind if I share your story with the Army Women? they could really learn a lot from you!

Mom said...

Brenda...There is not a single thing I know to say to make any of this part of your life better. BUT not enough women in this world EVER get to feel and know how important they are to another human being. I am grateful that you have that to hold onto. Love you

Jen said...

I've had this sitting in my reader for several days trying to think of something to say, and I can't. I am so glad that you got to experience that kind of love, and I can't imagine what it must be like to be without it for now. You are in my prayers.

britty said...

wow, i think it goes without saying that you are amazing. i know you know that Matt still loves you that much and more, but i can't imagine how it feels to be apart from him. now, as for your attractiveness - lady, you are lookin' good! i think your super powers are still intact.

Christopher said...

I can believe that would be very difficult, Brenda. He may not be here to say or make you feel those things, but he's certainly waiting to make you feel that way again.
I love you, lil sis.