This is not a cry for help or an invitation to a pity party, it's just a peek into another aspect of my life. No cause for alarm, it's par for the course. I might delete this particular session once I have it written; we'll just have to see how it goes...That said, lately I have been mourning my attractiveness.
Yesterday I was unpacking yet another box and I found the huge stack of cards and letters that were sent to me when Matt died. I flipped through a few and found one in particular that hit me all over again. It was a short note from a girl Matt and I went to church with when we were dating and engaged. She wrote:
"I got word of your loss some weeks ago...and have thought of you often since. I remember a time when I taught you and Matt was waiting for you. I was going to rush through the lesson so he wouldn't have to wait long, but you said something that caused me to melt inside. You said, 'Don't worry, he would wait forever if he had to.' You didn't even bat an eye when you said those words-I thought for a moment, 'What would it be like to feel such love.' "
I started thinking about this even before I found that note. As a woman, there is an enormous amount of power that comes from knowing someone loves you that much. I think about the affect women have on men. I believe the old adage that behind every good man is a good woman. That doesn't mean women are 2nd rate citizens, it just means that for the most part, every successful, driven, happy man has a good woman loving him and supporting him and cheering him on. Guys, I'm sure you would agree that there is nothing in the world like the love of an awesome woman.
Matt died 10 months ago today. I am reminded constantly that there isn't a soul on the planet who feels that way about me anymore and I really, really miss it. It's like I've lost my super powers. No one is excited to come home from work at night because I'm there. No one's eyes light up because I call them just to say I'm thinking about what an incredible person they are. No one feels a little less stressed during their busy day because they know I'm at home, holding down the fort, believing they can do anything they put their mind to.
Well, maybe Hunter does. The other day he did something pretty cool and I said "Dude! You're a rockstar!"
"I am a rockstar!" he confidently exclaimed.