Saturday, April 4, 2009

Barf Bag Blogging

Once again I left town and forgot to mention that I'd be absent for a bit. I'm sure your week was unbelievably dull without my two cents...

I am writing this post on an airplane barf bag. Classy, eh? I'm not sure what it's made out of, a stretchy plastic something. When I first started writing I was loving the boldness of my Papermate Profile pen on the crisp white bag. But now my ink keeps skipping across the surface, breaking the flow of my writing and it's kinda irritating. Oh well. Won't be the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

I like the aisle seat and I don't like to sit in small spaces next to people I don't know. Cooties. As this is my 9th flight in the last few months I have developed an almost fool-proof system for keeping the middle seat on my row vacant. It has only failed me once. I check in online the minute the clock hits 24 hours before departure-not a minute later-so I have the best chance of getting exactly the seat I want when I board. When I get on, I choose an aisle seat as close to the front of the plane as possible. The window seats fill quickly but the closer I am to the front of the plane the less likely it is that the middle seat will be taken. When other people get on, they are all still hoping for window or aisle, so they keep moving toward the back of the plane. Half way back they realize they are out of luck, but since swimming upstream feels unnatural for all but salmon, they keep going-filling the middle seats from the back first. This is no exception. I'm sitting in an aisle seat, someone else is in the window seat and the middle seat is empty. Voila! No cooties. It also helps not to make eye-contact with people as they board, though that isn't very friendly.

Tonight I believe that the woman in the window seat on my row is experiencing a first. The chick in the aisle seat on her row has been crying for the past hour. That's me. Window seat lady is trying to be subtle, but I can see her trying to sneak a peek out of the corner of her right eye. I wonder what she thinks is wrong with me. Lost my job maybe? Boyfriend dumped me? Underwear's too tight? If you have an imagination, the possibilities for why a person could be sitting on an airplane crying really are endless. I wonder if she has an imagination...

Not quite 2 weeks after Matt died Brigham's school had a "Family Fun Night". My friend's husband was out of town, so we decided it might be good for my kids to get out of the house and feel like normal kids for awhile and off we went. It was a strange experience for me: sitting in the cafeteria eating pizza and playing bingo and looking into the faces of the people around me. Faces of people who were completely unaware that my husband was dead, that the little boys with me lost their father and that the baby in my bulging belly would grow up in a world that to him never included his father. It was a surreal moment, sitting in that crowded room when our wound was so fresh. It feels just as fresh sitting here on this plane almost 7 months later.

When I look at the people around me I have no idea what their struggles may be. Possibly they are alcoholics and drug addicts. They have eating disorders, they've lost their jobs or their homes or their retirement funds. They've had a miscarriage recently or they are aching for their spouse who is overseas. They feel unloved or uncared for. They are abused in their homes. Maybe no one helps them with their homework or tucks them in at night. Of course there might not be an ounce of drama in their lives, but I don't know that. I am the only one sitting here crying, but I am not the only one struggling. I feel humbled by that.

8 comments:

Orr Family said...

Thanks for sneaking me in on that comment! You know one of these trips you should just hopp on a plane to Hawaii!! I think it is good that you cry. "better out then in, I always say." funny that the first time I watched that movie was with you and Matt before Children and right after you got that fabulous white rug! I need a good weekly or sometimes daily cry. I watch or read sad movies so it is socially acceptable though! You have courage to sit on a plane and cry! Of course I always seem to be the one left behind at the Airport, and left crying in the terminal. If I was on the plane I would be bawling, instead that gets to happen in my car!

Brooke said...

Crying is an amazing thing. It releases so much. If I am sad, overwhelmed, stressed, confused, worried or whatever, if I just cry for a good while, I feel so much better. I even remember once in 5th grade I burst into tears and when my teacher (who is probably the reason for my tears) asked what was wrong, I told her "Sometimes I just need to cry!" It is still so true. Good think my husband understands. :)

Gardner Family said...

This might sound kinda weird but I was the same way as I was sitting in the airport and on the plane all by myself on my way to Arizona for Matt's funeral. People were probably wondering what in the heck was wrong with me but sometimes you just need to let it out no matter where you are at. But at that point it was just not staying in. I can only imagine how hard those trips are back to Arizona but I hope that all is going well and you and the boys are good. Hope you have a wonderful week! Mine not so good I have a root canal scheduled for Monday afternoon. First major dental procedure and hopefully the very last!! Maybe this is a sign for things to come but I sure hope not! Miss you tons!!

Becky said...

Beautifully put. I had such a similar experience shortly after Duane's death. I was shopping at Wal Mart, my usual stomping grounds and realized that I had started to cry right there in the girls section of the store. What on earth could people possibly be thinking about me and why I was crying, but of course it really didn't matter. But then I started to think about all the other people in the store, what in there life could be making the scowl on her face, the worry lines on his. It was an eye opening moment, everyone had a struggle of sorts, it pulled me back into reality and stopped the tears (for a moment). I thought of you today as I listen to a particular conference talk, we were placed together for a reason, to struggle together through this incredible journey. Lunch definately this week, much needed after my week with Hannah. Gotta love three year olds.

Erin said...

Wow, that title made me nervous-kindof gross, but the post was beautiful. I was thinking of you and Becky being put together during this time also, I think during Elder Eyring's talk. He mentioned how losing a spouse was the hardest thing and I think that while all of us sympathize and our hearts ache for you we truly can't understand the extreme pain unless we've been there ourselves. Elder Eyring mentioned the two women who found and helped each other and I'm glad you two found each other and can understand the other's pain in a way no one else can. We constantly pray for you and love you so much. Its really hard to sit by and see people you love suffer and makes one understand why the Savior was willing to suffer so much for those he loved.

Kennedy said...

Brenda, what a beautiful post! Erin, thank you for writing exactly what I was wanting to write. Perfectly put! Brenda, I think about and pray for you and your sweet little boys all the time. We love you!

Sharlin said...

I cried in the airport and on the plane a year and a couple days ago when going to say what I thought was goodbye to my mom (we had about 9 more months though). I wonder how many people have cried on an airplane since flight began. Would our tears fill the oceans?
If I see someone crying and am close enough to ask, " would you like to talk?", I will - connecting dots with people through communication.
Crying is better than barfing in that bag...

hoosierary said...

We in the airline business prefer to use the PC term for barf bags - Air Sick Bags. And by the way, we probably made the one you were writing on so hope you enjoyed it. :)