Monday, April 5, 2010

My Loss is Your Gain

I've been trying all day to figure out how to write this post without mentioning the origin of the sentiment, but it's not possible. This is my blog and I blog my life. But in fairness to the other party I'll be vague. Sort of.

I have just survived one of the most painful weekends of my life. Unfortunately the pain isn't over, but at least the weekend is. That sounds dramatic, I know, but it's true. Until recently I haven't dated since Matt's death. And if it were completely up to me I probably still wouldn't. But this guy just sort of...happened. He is cute, and charming, and funny, and smart--not to mention awesome with my boys, and did I say cute? Seriously dreamy blue eyes. I'm a sucker for laugh lines.

So we went out...and then we went out again...and again...and a few more 'agains'. And there were times when I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere but I wanted it to because he fit 19 of the 23 "Requirements for a Guy" as I have outlined in my Blackberry. Plus I said he's cute, remember? But as of this weekend we're not dating anymore...because I'll always belong to another man. His decision, not mine. I wish I could express how intensely painful it is to be rejected over something like that, something that will never go away, something over which I have no control, something he knew before he started dating me.

Saturday afternoon, right in the middle of the break-up, I went upstairs to get Seth after his nap. Right at the top of the stairs is a really beautiful, rather large picture of Matt. I crumbled in a heap on the floor and sobbed into my arms when I saw it. As mascara-stained tears soaked my sleeve I thought of how I had betrayed my deceased husband...for nothing...for a man who could never see past my circumstances to who I am and love me like Matt had. Or at all. I cried so hard that a pool of slimy, clear snot formed on my arm with a steady stream still connecting it to my nose.

About the time there was a break in the sobs, my dear sister walked in with Specimen #2. Sisters are good that way. So here it is, the All-American Chocolate Cake from Costco:





I cheered up just for a little bit. Sunday I spent most of the day crying again, and as I sacked out on the couch with a blanket and tissues I apologized to my kids for being a crappy mom. They insisted I'm not a crappy mom. "Really? What's not crappy about me?" I asked. "You gave us chocolate cake for dinner last night," they said, "and a crappy mom would never give their kids chocolate cake for dinner."

20 comments:

valgae said...

Mom is great!! Give us chocolate cake!! Sorry u had a crappy weekend!! Wish I could eat cake with ya. I'd totally sacrifice...seriously. :)

Karen said...

I commend you for getting back out there! Some guys just aren't man enough for awesome mom's like you. :)

Becky said...

Love you!

- jeana said...

there you go again...making me cry and laugh all in the same post! dang you! it's hard to put yourself out there, and you did it. i'm so sorry the results were not happier...he most obviously is missing out on one marvelous you and three cute little you's...it's HIS loss. (((hug))) xoxo

the bates motel said...

so sorry to hear about the break up! he doesn't know what he's giving up! cheer up! and man does that cake look delish!

Jenn said...

For some reason (maybe because Brian will be riding a motorcycle to work on OK highways), I've been thinking a lot about your position lately. You've overcome so much and I admire you greatly. I'm sorry that this guy can't see what the rest of us do.

And peppermint ice cream is my chocolate cake, try some! :)

Lauri said...

First of all, you are the most awesome mom ever. Second, though he had a legitimate reason to do what he did (I am not defending him here) he should have known he felt that way from the beginning. And to do that one Easter weekend...that's just, well, a bad word.
Your description of your grief made me cry, the the entrance of cake made me laugh through the tears.
One more thing, you didn't betray Matt. I know he wouldn't want you to be alone forever. And I bet he is stomping mad at that guy right now!!!

Brenda said...

Thanks for the support ladies. I don't want this post to seem like I was bashing him at all. He's really a great guy. But the experience was really raw for me, and I have a hard time healing without writing about my feelings. It's hard sometimes to balance that with keeping personal things personal. I hope I didn't overstep that. Besides, I only wrote the truth.

Julie said...

You are such a trooper! There is no other way to put it...To put yourself out there after all you have gone through is a step in the right direction...He truly is missing out on someone that is like no other...he will never understand that! But it is like they say "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" Is that true? I don't know, but I do know that your life experiences make you who you are and if he contributed something good to your life in the limited time you were together than hopefully it wasn't a total waste...
I am so sorry it was such a hard weekend for you, it is times like these that I would have loved to have been there to share some of that chocolate cake with you! I know you will find someone who will love you just the way you are...you should never feel like you are betraying Matt...he wants nothing more than for you to be happy..There will never be anyone who replaces him..he is the love of your life and the dad of your beautiful kids. There is someone out there who will understand that, and will want to be there for you, and love you because Matt helped you become the person you are today...Nobody can ever take that away from you!

I do love you and am thinking about you! Have a great rest of the week and P.S. you are far from being a "Crappy mom" infact your kids probably want you to be a "crappy mom" more often!!!

Castle Family said...

Aw, I'm sorry this guy put you through this!! What a terd. ;) Let me know if you need more chocolate (or anything else for that matter!)

Ashlee Kent said...

His obvious loss!!!! I'm so sorry to hear about this, absolutely no fun. If he can't see what he's missing out on then he deosn't deserve you and your darling boys.
Love you ;]

Whitny said...

Oh Brenda, dating is hard. I am so so proud of you that you gave it a go. I didn't think you were bashing him at all. I see that it was your decision. Taking control of your life. I think of your kids and how much Brig looks like Matt. That would be comforting and difficult at times. Love you

Robi said...

Brenda you are an awesome Mom.You are a fantastic woman and a true example to a lot of us Don't let a guy who cannot see all those qualities make you sad. He is the one loosing out

Elizabeth Larson said...

I can't imagine what it must be like to be in your shoes. The only thing I can say is that you are a strong beautiful woman who will one day find someone who will love and accept your situation. This sounds like something that had to happen along the way to get you more prepared for some of the up and down emotions you might feel along the way. Good luck, stay strong and know we are all praying for you!!

kristine said...

You may not remember me back in the B.A., OK days... and that's okay. My dad is Reynold Brown (if that helps at all) I've been following your blog for maybe a year now, and felt the need to comment. Thanks for sharing your kids, crafty ideas, delicious treats, and personal feeling. I appreciate your honesty and the way you express yourself. For sure advice and/or sympathy from a stranger can't be appealing, so my comments are intended to be either.
Yet I feel I can relate maybe from the other side of the coin, as I married a widower with a young daughter. I know, I know... I married a widower, and you are the widow. I'm you have lots of support from family, and great friends, if you are interested, you can contact Kristine Brown Ballard on facebook, and that way we can share a more personal conversation.
Good job getting back into the dating game... I am sorry this last weekend was such a let down. I admire the way you seem to keep it all in the right perspective.
Kudos to the almost perfect really cute guy for bowing out early on. And to you for being so honest in your post. My kids only dream of eating anything chocolate for dinner.

MR said...

Sorry to chime in as a complete stranger, but...

Even while you are going through an extremely difficult stretch in your life, you still bring joy and laughter to others (I'm still laughing about the cake). And remember - "when one door closes, another opens" (just not always with cake)

Jenny said...

Thank goodness for chocolate cake to stuff in your honest mouth, huh?! Thanks for your bluntness...there's not enough of that around, I think.

Tracy said...

Your kids are awesome. You should listen to them!!

PamBo said...

He certainly wasn't worth it, Honey. Cute or not.....
I just "found" your blog, by clicking "Next Blog" (I'm very new to this).
The only family deaths I've experienced are deaths that were supposed to happen...old age of in-laws, grandparents, etc.
While there are times I could use a long break from my husband (32+years), I don't know what I'd do if he died. I was with you on the floor crying.
In my opinion, any man who doesn't understand that he will have to share your heart with Matt is an idiot.
I hope you find another man who is willing to share your heart and will be a great father to your kids.

Vicki said...

i agree with Pambo 100%...no matter how great the guy seemed, he was not that great. i always say if someone shows you who they are believe them. he knew who you were...imagine him hanging around and what he would be like if there were any really tough times...wimp!