Stand

I got in the car a little while ago to run an errand. When the stereo came on, the song it played brought a flood of images across my mind...

Some background--

Around this time last year Matt made the decision (and I supported him, it wasn't tyranny) to move our family to LA at the beginning of this year. He was working more and more in the indie film industry and he wanted to do even more, but didn't want to be away from the family. He had talked about it a couple of times before, but I hated the idea. So while I never said I wouldn't, I didn't encourage the idea either. Up until last summer it had always fizzled out, but this time it was for sure.

I don't know if it was paranoia or women's intuition or inspiration or what, but I felt so strongly that living in LA would be the absolute worst thing for our family. I wanted Matt to have every opportunity to achieve all his goals and ambitions but I knew down in my core that it would come at a cost.

Fast forward to the day before Matt died--

It was a hot, sunny Saturday morning and I was in the pool with Brigham and Hunter. My friend Shandolynne called and we visited for awhile. She was telling me about this amazing Texas Sheet Cake recipe on the blog of a woman she went to church with, which lead to a conversation about the woman herself, new friend Becky, actually. She is not more than 2 years older than we are, has 7 kids, and her husband was dying from cancer.

After we got out of the pool, I went to her blog to check out the recipe. The song on her playlist at that very moment was Rascall Flatts' "Stand".

*

Cause when push comes to shove you taste what you're made of

You might bend til you break cause it's all you can take

On your knees you look up decide you've had enough

You get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off

Then you stand.

*

I remember feeling so humbled hearing that song. I thought it would be my anthem as I survived what would surely be the greatest challenge of my life...moving my family to LA and dealing with results of that. I took courage from those lyrics, knowing that I could handle whatever came my way if I just remembered to stop fighting it and let it make me stronger.

*

And now back to today...

*

Isn't it shocking how quickly life can change? I have moments all the time when I feel the breath knocked out of me a little bit when I'm caught off guard by that reality . I've played that song so many times since that Saturday, but hearing it today was different for some reason.

*

Life's like a novel with the end ripped out

The edge of a canyon with only one way down

Take what you're given before it's gone

And start holdin' on, keep holdin' on

Every time you get up and get back in the race

One more small piece of you starts to fall into place

Then you stand

*

It's still powerful. But today it made me think that I want a do-over. I want the old challenge.